Finally!!

I am finally going to get to see Scott. He's been gone since January 11th. I feel like I haven't seen him in an eternity. I know it will get easier. I just have to get used to it and that takes time. It probably wouldn't be so hard if Sarah wasn't sick. She has asthma and maybe even another bout of RSV. The Dr. called it a lower respiratory infection "like" RSV. But, since she had it so bad at the first of the year she's prone to respiratory infections and could wheeze for up to a year. But, for now she's being treated for asthma. Whatever it is....it's bad. I think she is feeling some better today, but I wish she could feel "good". I'm not so sure she really knows what it's like to feel "good". Poor baby. Well, she'll be happy to see her daddy! I know she remembers him and will be glad to see him. Every time my phone rings, regardless of who's calling, she says "hey daddy". I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees him.

Anyway...back to the subject. Scott's in Missouri right now and will be bringing a load to Atlanta. They will drive right through Birmingham but won't have time to stop. So, We are going to Atlanta to spend a few hours with him there. It's soooo worth it for just a few hours. At this point I'll take what I can get. I need to see him, to hug him, and feel him. I think it will re-energize me. I think it will do the same for him. He needs to see me and the kids. I talked to him on Skype yesterday and it was the first time we both cried when we said goodbye in a while. So, I know it's time to see each other. When he gets done with training he will have been gone a little over 2 months. I know to most that doesn't seem like a long time, but it's an eternity when you've never been apart and you have a very sick child. I realize I took for granted all the help he gave me. I used to fuss about not getting enough help from him. Scott, if you're reading this...I'm sorry! I won't take you for granted anymore. What I would give to have his help now.

On the move.

Scott left home 2 1/2 weeks ago to go to Utah for training. He passed everything with flying colors and is now on the road hauling loads. He has a trainer with him and he'll stay with him for 28 days. I talked to him yesterday and he was loading his personal things on the truck and waiting to hear when they would be leaving. Then a few hours later I got a text from him that said "hi from Wyoming". I got this tingly anxious feeling deep down in my stomach when I read it. Part of the reason for it was because I instantly got worried. That's what I do...I worry. He's going on the road to places he's never even heard of before for a month with a person he knows nothing about. But, then again I got excited for him. I admit I was a little jealous. I secretly wanted to be with him. To be able to see the beautiful places that he will see. I hope he enjoys it. I WILL be taking some trips with him when he's on his own. That will be fun! So, today I'm happy for him. I wonder where he'll be when I talk to him next.

Positive thinking.

I've been working really hard on thinking positive lately. I helps that Scott is a positive thinker. He always makes me see the brighter side of things. I wish I was more like that. We've done a lot of talking lately and I think he's beginning to make a believer out of me. He's really enjoying it and I love that. I want him to be happy.

Things have gotten better at home, I think. It's been nice having Mom come up to help me get Jonah to school in the mornings. I still have to get up at 4am so that I can be ready by 5, drop Sarah off at daycare by 6, and be at work by 7. It's exhausting. This is my long week. So, I've worked all weekend. 12 hours both days. Now, I have to work every day this week. I'm not off again until next Saturday. 7 days straight is tough. By Wednesday I'm forcing myself to get up in the mornings and thinking of reasons to call in to work and then talking myself out of doing it. My new positive attitude tells me that it's not so bad because soon I'll be able to go part time. Just having one less day to have to do this routine will be so much better.

On another subject...I called the YMCA the other day to find out when swim team starts and to let Brian, the instructor, know that Jonah was wanting to be on the team again. He then informs that there will be no swim team this year due to lack of funds for the program. FIGURES! So, I had already told Jonah that he didn't have to play ball this year if he didn't want to as long as did swim. As hard as it was for me to tell him that (because we all know how much I love baseball season) I had to. I knew it would be hard to juggle a hectic baseball schedule with Scott not being here. He's always an assistant coach. He takes Jonah to practice, works with him, is there for EVERY game, and wouldn't miss it for anything. This year would be completely opposite. Scott won't be able to help coach and would miss almost every game. I knew that would be hard on Jonah. He loves having Scott there with him. Ok, so back to the matter at hand. I tell Jonah that there is no swim team this year and he immediately says "Can I play baseball then?" I couldn't tell him no. I had already told him that he had to do something to keep him active and baseball and swim team are his 2 loves. So, with the swim team not being an option he naturally wants to play ball. I told him he could play. The whole time we were talking about it I was thinking about how difficult it's going to be for me to get him to all practices, pick Sarah up from daycare, get baths, cook and eat dinner, do homework, and have everybody in the bed at a descent hour all by myself. It stresses me out thinking about it. But, I will not let my kids be affected by this. I have to show them that we can do it. I will have him at every practice and the only games I will miss will be every other Saturday when I'm working, which hopefully my work schedule won't interfere with my weekends too much longer. My Mom will be here some to help out and my Mother-in law will gladly help me on the Saturdays that I work. So, for the next 6 months I'll be at the ball park almost every day. I'm secretly excited!!!!! I love to watch him play ball!

Finally feeling better.

I guess this title can go for both Sarah and me. Sarah had a good day yesterday. She ate and drank well all day and I think she just generally felt better. But, then I took her back to daycare this morning so she'll probably be sick again tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to send her at all. I know that's where she's picking all this stuff up. No offense to the daycare. Jackie runs a tight ship, but you can't control the parents. There are some who bring their children when they're sick hoping they'll get away with it because they have nowhere else to take them. Well, hopefully Sarah won't catch anything else and she can enjoy being healthy. Poor baby...she's been sick for way too long.

As for me. I have my days where I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown and I want to call Scott and demand that he come home. Then I also have had just a couple of days where I think I'll be ok. That I can handle it. Today is one of those days. I think I'll be ok. I may have figured it all out. Or maybe I haven't, but I am realizing that this job is a necessity. That another household income is a necessity. It makes it easier knowing that I should be able to cut my hours back so I'll be at home more. It would be great if it wasn't for the morning routine. I can't continue to get Jonah up before 5am every morning. I know it will affect his grades because he's so tired. I'm afraid he's sleepy during class and not paying attention. That's my fault. I can't allow it. I have to find a way to make a change. He's a straight A student. Just last week he brought a brochure home that his counselor at school gave him. It said he is in the 99th percentile of his class and was offered a program through Duke University. He can test on an 8th grade level and do work that would challenge his academic skills. I'm all for the challenge, but we can't do this one because it's a little too pricey for us right now. His report card showed a grade of 100 in math. His teacher and principal congratulated him because he was the only one in his class to make that grade. He's just as proud of himself as I am. I'm hoping he'll keep that drive all the way through high school, college, and whatever else he chooses to do.





So today I'm trying to focus on the positives and try to figure out a way to change our morning routine. I'm wanting 2010 to be a much better year than 2009. I'm looking forward to our new adventures and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's Monday already.

Well, I made it through the weekend. It was nice. Not as relaxing as I wanted it to be, but better than what I'm used to. I guess my need to rest is not that important to others. I know they mean well, but come on. I just want some peace. I want to stay in my pj's and lay on the couch at least one whole day this month. That is my goal. I want to be left alone for at least 12 hours. I don't think that's too much to ask is it? I don't want visitors or anyone asking me to do something. Nothing is my favorite word today. I am working to reach the potential of that word. Sad, huh?

On a much lighter note....Scott did really well driving today. He said he did so good that he got to drive on the interstate. I guess that means they trust him enough to put him in a really large truck around innocent drivers. I'm so proud! I must admit that a piece of me wants him to hate it and come home, but the rest of me wants him to do really well and like it. Who wants to do something you hate? Not me! Plus, I'm hoping that the money will be as good as we hope and I can go part time and maybe even quit work all together this year. YAY! Until then I must continue to kill myself on a daily basis. Small price to pay right? I am hoping that he will get to come home for a day or two within the next few weeks. I can't wait. I need his hugs....*sigh*

TGIF!!!!

I'm so glad it's Friday. This has been a tough week. I don't get to be happy about Friday's every week because I work every other weekend. While most people are sleeping in I'm up and at 'em very early. I have been up at 4am everyday this week to accommodate our crazy home life. I'm whooped! I really don't know if I can continue to do this every other week, but I don't know how to change it. If I do change it I don't know if it would be a better change or a worse change. I'm such a creature of habit and terrified to step out of my box of familiarity. But, something's gotta give! I wish Scott was here. He could be helping get the kids off to school and daycare. Also, Sarah's been sick all week, which has made things that much more crazy. He could be helping me in the middle of the night with her. It would take some of the load off of me and maybe allow me to get more sleep. I almost fell asleep driving to work this morning. The lack of sleep has affected my ability to function properly. I've struggled at work to stay focused and I get confused and short tempered easily. I love my husband and I want him to succeed and be able to do what makes him happy, but I'm miserable. I keep hearing "Stick it out. It will get better." and "You'll adjust over time." but I don't know if my body will ever adjust to only 3 days off every other week and getting up at 4 am every day.

Although it's been a bad week I will try to focus on the fact that today is Friday and I don't have to get up tomorrow at 4am because I'm off. I'm hoping that the sandman sprinkles a little extra sleeping dust in the eyes of my children tonight so I might sleep in. If I can sleep until 7 0r 8 I would be utterly thrilled! So, everyone have fun on your dates and at your wild parties or while hanging out with friends. I have a date with my babies and my pillow....ZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Making it!

Yesterday was a hard day. Sarah had a virus so I had to stay home with her. She was just a Momma's girl all day. She started feeling better yesterday afternoon and by last night she was a whole lot better. So, the kids and I had a really good night. We had dinner together at the table and talked and laughed. It would have been much better had Scott been there with us, but I think we needed to have that together time rather than going our separate ways in the house to eat. After dinner Jonah cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, cleaned his room, laid out his clothes for tomorrow, and took a shower. He is such a little man. He is taking this "man of the house" role very seriously.
Since we had to get up so early this morning I got Jonah in the bed pretty early. Sarah wasn't as easy to get to sleep. So, we settled in to the recliner and watched American Idol that I had DVR'd earlier. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I got a descent nights sleep and feel pretty good today. I'm hoping that this means that it's getting easier. I still miss Scott as much and I don't think that will change. He spoils me and I miss that feeling that he gives me. I know he loves me and we tell each other a hundred times a day. We still do, but through text messages and phone calls. I still wish I could tell him to his face.
Scott's doing great! He made the highest score in the class yesterday and I'm not surprised. He's so smart and can do anything. I have no doubt that he will succeed at this. I'm so proud of him.
Hopefully tonight will be as good as last night. If so, I guess that means that we're making it!